divaesque shenanigans.

Monday, July 05, 2004

All we own, at least for the short time we have it, is our life. With it, we write what we come to know of the world. I need to set my priorities straight. It has come to a point in this race that I've fallen, and can't seem to pick myself up. It fucking sucks.

I need to learn the futility of expecting anyone, including myself, to be perfect. My perservering for perfection is leading to my self annhilation. I have to learn and believe that the awareness of having faults is what that links me to everyone else.

I have to accept my imperfect nakedness.

I really don't know how to. I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to tell myself to stop going through my work even when there's a bleeding piercing pain in my left temple and my body screams for sleep. I don't know how to tell myself that losing 12kg over a period of one year is enough, and I don't need to lose anymore. I don't know how to tell myself that my room is clean enough and it doesn't need to get any more organized.

It has come to an extent when I don't feel, I'm not tired, I don't feel hungry, i don't need sleep. I just Am. I Am.

I cannot change the people around me, but I refuse to change the way I am. I'm a cynic and I often question people's beliefs. If you can't answer me, you're just plain stupid. You don't think. I can't fucking stand people who don't do that. I don't want to try and be nice to avoid hurting your egos. I'm not nice. Period. Call me sarcastic, call me emotional, call me ridiculous, whatever you want. I work too hard in life to be bothered by the pathetic superficiality that shrouds your very existence. Why bother continue living when you don't think? You should just die and make the world a less stupid place.

Sometimes I think I'm all about me. I'm so incredibly selfish. I can't help it.

Sigh.

The smart fucktard who came up with IS can fucking screw him/herself. Fuck. It's fucking ridiculous that I'm wasting an entire fucking day at school for 4 bleeding hours learning fucked things about fucking quality studies or fucking cloning or reproduction or whatever. I don't fucking care. There are better things to do in life.

It's so depressing. Fuck. And to make it worse, IS has to be on a bleeding Monday. Just my fucking luck. It fucking kills the entire fucking week. ARGH.

Oh. I went to the post office before school started to send a registered parcel. Thinking that he was merely trying to be friendly and make small talk, I told the guy at the counter i was studying mass comm at NP when he asked. And he started getting excited saying that he's taking advanced dip in mass comm at mdis and started scribbling his number at the back of my receipt, telling me to call him if I need any help, rattling on about scoring some As in PR and some shit like that.

Losers.

Sigh.

You. I wonder whether this thang is a mere passing phase that I'm going through. Just something to somehow offset all the shit; just someone to, at the very least, make me look forward to tomorrow. Oh fuck it all. It's no use, nothing'll ever happen. I'm already so fucked, i don't understand why I even bother. But. You make me smile. You make me smile and the smile actually means something, rather than a futile mask that I put up to carry on living day by day. How I hate you so.

*cue: insert goofy fuzzy smile*

Sigh. How I hate myself so.

Because you're just different. Go figure.

posted by Fuzzy @ 23:11

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