Wednesday, August 11, 2004
Yet too late came I to love you. And behold, you were within me, and I out of myself, where I made search for you.
What is the meaning of life? Fuck that. No one knows so why bother asking. You see the skid marks in the road. And you turn away and cry so much that you cant see straight then you turn around and pick up a magazine and a cup of 230 and smile. "How are you?" they ask and in a static and toneless voice you hear yourself say "fine" though you know you aren't no one seems able to admit that to themselves these days.
They say 'i'm fine' when really what they mean is i hate this world so much that my self-hatred is like a grain of sand on the beach in comparrison and on the topic i haven't seen the beach in so long maybe i should do that before i die fuckit i am too lazy hand me the gun.
Your break hearts for fun because hell they are gonna get broken anyway why does it matter when or how. And god knows you have enough experience at being broken. Bled so much it's a miracle you still have blood in your veins.
You think i remember the time when i used to hang around this place with the people that i loved. Where are they now and when did they all leave me like this i don't even remember.
And you cough up blood mixed in with memories of just how good things used to be. I can't even say your name without crying how sad is that i have become so pathetic in your absence.
You're only the best i ever had. I knew that once upon a time and now that i have truly had time to miss you, you do not want me back and i totally understand that i fucked you over so badly even i don't want me anymore.
I am so tired of breaking things i do not have the ability to fix but i am compelled to do things i have no control over my heart anymore.
And we stay up late in your one-room hell counting shadows on the wall and becoming our own worst enemies in ways we cannot explain or understand so you push me up against the wall and ask me questions i cannot answer because the fury in your voice makes me want it all to end.
Ask me why i'm alive and in all honestly i will tell you it is some cruel joke so laugh at me in the dark and stare at me from afar because if there is a god this is the last time you will ever have to endure me.
So come and sit next to me on this fold out bed put your arm around my shoulder where it's kind of uncomfortable and let me lean my head into your neck while you ask me rhetorical questions at 2am.
Fuck this. I can't write, I can't think, I can't.
Just fuck off and leave me alone. I hate everybody.
posted by Fuzzy @ 22:31
monologue.
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