Thursday, September 02, 2004
Mouthfuls of air aren't going to get me anywhere. I can keep lighting a candle and stand in its light, pretending that the shadow cast behind me has wings like an angel, or I can throw up all of this shit that's been meddling with my mind, coaxing me into a make-believe fantasy.
I'm not innocent. You and I are quite alike, but only in a sense that we perceive ourselves to be so much more than we are, until that candle that cast our shadows aside has melted and burned our skin in the process. It's hard to hide the guilt when all I have are scars; some to remind me, some to pacify me in my moments while I think of the tears that I cannot cry. I think that with the blood the tears vanished too. I'm a corpse, just sleeping my life away although I'm really dead. It's nice to pretend that I'm sleeping; to pretend that anyone would notice if I woke up.
I get scared of tomorrow. I get scared. I can scared realising that the people I believed I could trust and depend on had let me down. It's every woman for her own, now.
Every woman for her own.
I lie in bed, but I can't sleep. That hollow void inside is as sharp as the winter's bitter air against bare cheeks. I've spent my life trying to fill that empty void with material possessions and friends who always said they cared.
Friends who've always said they cared.
To use a disgusting simile, my life is like one big puzzle with a tiny missing piece. I'm incomplete. No matter how almost perfect the puzzle may seem, it's still so ugly that when people look at that void they cringe and walk away, trying to forget they ever saw that hollow body with a smiling face.
Oh God. Help.
Stop blaming everything everything on PMS. I don't get PMS. Don't tell me to stop being emotional- I can't fucking help it, I'm a woman. And don't ever tell me to calm down. I have every right to be angry. I have every right to be pissed.
I hate everything, I hate everyone. People should just fuck off and die.
posted by Fuzzy @ 21:13
monologue.
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