I gotta say this- I hate periods.

I've read books of women loooving periods and saying it makes them feel all womanly and whatnots, but I'm no fan of periods. I despise their very existence. I mean, seriously, think about it, you bleed from down there for more or less about a week every month. That makes 12 weeks in a year. And say you get your period from you're 13 till a menopausal age of say, 58, that makes 540 weeks out of 45 years of your life. 540 weeks is, like, 3780 days.

YOU BLEED FOR A MOTHERFUCKEN 10.36 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE.

This is just GREAT.

I hate everything about periods. First of all, the period leading up to your period. I don't get PMS, thank God. What I do get is an hugeass appetite and horrible, horrible cramps just before the flood. If there's one person who've seen me in such pain, it's Marilyn. Go ask her. My second week in Catalog, in the office and I was throwing up and perspiring cold sweat, having cramps like someone's trying to rip my fucking womb out and the best part- this happens every fucking month.

Don't tell me about sit ups or evening primrose oils shit. I've tried everything in the market.

Then there's that can-you-please-get-my-fucking-womb-outta-my-tired-body period. Oh my God. Fuck lah. You can't wear your gorgeous white fcuk skirt because you'll get a fucking splotch of red if you're not careful.

OH. And sanitary napkins. Or pads. Whatever you call them. No matter how pretty the packaging is, no matter how 'breathable', no matter how much blood the damn cotton pad can take, sanitary napkins are (a) ridiculously overpriced; and (b) scratchy, icky, gross and make you wanna shoot the bleeding fuck outta yourself for being born a woman. Seriously, sanitary pads are almost like water catchment areas they have in Singapore. Except that it's not water, and it's stuck where the sun never shines and where perhaps only 3, or 4 people [you, your gynae, your significant other and the woman who gives you a brazillian] visit. It's disgusting.

And don't get me started on tampons. Seriously. Sticking a dry, icky wad of cotton up there is not cool. Fuck, you can invent a lubricating creamgelwhacamallit for sex, why can't you invent something better for this?

Bloodyfuck.

Oh. And girls are told that bleeding a a bad thing, a dirty thing, an embarrassing thing, a secret thing we should hide and remain discreet about come hell or high water. Fuck, half the world's population is female and we STILL have to remain discreet about it. Well, I, for one, am absolutely sick by it. And repulsed by the silence. I'm not having 'it' and it's not 'that time of the month'.

I am having my period, I am bleeding and I'm experiencing so much fucken pain I want to throw my ovaries out of the bloody window.

So don't you dare tell me to serve NS when I talk about gender equality. Your insipid response to gender equality will be promptly accompanied by a swift kick in the nuts. With much love from yours truly.