Monday, February 21, 2005
Of Paralysis
One of those nights when I wonder if I am alive. Or actually have been. The noise of cars outside my window is like a bad fever: sickish, flagging in discontent. I want to get clear of this life.
I want to walk directly out of my front door onto earth, into air clear from exhaust. I want to not have to think of work, of people, of dreams, of commitments, of friends, of non-friends, of i-think-i-have-a-crush-on-you, of aquaintences. Of desiring perfection, of loathing imperfection, of love, of not loving.
I want out.
What am I but a glorified automaton hearing myself, through a vast space of weariness, speak from the shell-speaking trumpet that is my smiling mouth the dead words about life, suffering, deep knowledge and ritual sacrifice.
I don't know anything.
I feel caught in a revolving wheel, locked in the steel-toothed jaws of my schedule. The thought of outlining my next week ahead appalls me.
There are long shadows in my mind cast by unseen figures- flesh or stone it is impossibe to tell. It is as if my life is dominated and ran by two electric currents: joyous positive and despairing negative - whichever is running at the moment dominates my life, floods it.
I have so much, but I feel I have nothing at all. It is as though a great muscular owl were sitting on my chest, its talon clenching and constricting my heart.
I am afraid.
It has all been a false start. A change, a change.
I am afraid of myself, of my own craven fears and wincings. Fearful, inadequate, desperate. I seek solace in writing. I seek warmth in words.
I write because I feel paralysed doing anything else. It is as if my very mind has stopped and let the phenomena of nature - shiny green rose bugs and orange toadstools and screaking woodpeckers - roll over me like a juggernaut- as if I had to plunge to the bottom of nonexistence, of absolute fear before I can rise again.
Lines occur to me and stop dead. I have been living an idle dream of being a writer.
I am afraid of life without having lived.
posted by Fuzzy @ 23:19
monologue.
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: 1:53 am